June 28, 2017
Domino (our dog) makes me laugh. When she is frustrated and bored, she often sits on top of you or barks and whines until she gets attention. She basically takes my feelings and vocalizes them (they do say your dogs take on your personalities).
I have been beyond bored lately. Like, I come home, sit in my chair and go on my phone all night. I feel like I haven’t been using my brain enough. All I do is work and sleep. I don’t have anything else that is MINE. And until recently, I couldn’t figure out WHY I was so bored. I realized, it has been two years since I have been in school. I miss logging into the school’s LMS and getting started on the weekly readings and assignments. I miss working towards a goal and finishing classes to get closer and closer to getting a degree. The issue is time.
Right now, it is not a smart time to get started on my PhD. With a baby on the way, and an unknown of how much my life is going to change (because believe me, it will), I can’t justify applying to a program. Plus, I’m not sure what type of program I want to pursue yet. Usually I pick something that I KNOW will push me further into my career. For example, my undergrad was in science and math because I knew companies needed more female science and math majors. My Master’s is in educational technology because I knew the industry would start booming. Eventually, (probably when Bailee is about 5), I will start working on my PhD, but right now is just not the right time.
So, in the meantime, I am trying to find SOMETHING to keep me occupied. I have debated buying a sewing machine and learning to sew. I have debated starting to sell Jamberry. I have debated volunteering. And so much more. What stops me? FEAR. For some reason, starting my PhD doesn’t scare me AT ALL, but starting a hobby does. I know myself. I know that if I don’t see positive outcomes right away, I will get discouraged and give up. However, I need to find something that defines myself so that once she is here, I don’t lose myself in being a wife and a mom. I need something for ME. My husband has his video games or his magic and while he does these things I usually just sit at home. That is not ok!
I wonder if once Bailee gets here, I will have to give up my newly found hobby. How will I balance being a mom, wife, full-time employee, working out, AND a hobby?
Sigh. I worry too much.